Un-Constructive Criticism

Saturday was not a good day for me.

Still recovering from the 17-hour bus ride from Bogotá to Cali (that should have only been 12 hours-- tops, mind you!), I wasn't exactly in my best of states. I was groggy and exhausted. Our professor had assigned us 3 major group projects to present in one day (talk about pressure!), and my group members and I had frantically worked very hard to pull it all together before I left for my trip. Still, it had all turned out quite nicely.

However, as I've mentioned before, I've had a bit of a complex and have always struggled with feeling like the "weakest link" of my graduate program. Things have certainly improved, but I'm still the only non-native Spanish speaker, and I am one of the youngest members of our cohort. I have often felt like people are a bit condescending to me and underestimate my abilities. Although they treat me with kindness, I've always felt the need to prove to them that I am a capable, qualified, and intelligent human being-- not just the "funny little American."

Therefore, in presentations like these ones, I try really hard to show that I know what I'm doing and can understand and communicate complex ideas. I probably put more pressure on myself than I should, but I want to blow everyone away with my capabilities... or at least that's the idea.

Our first presentation was about women, as a protected group in International Humanitarian Law (the main focus of the program), in the context of Colombia. Rosario, Sonia, and I had prepared almost 150 PowerPoint slides for our presentation, but (when it was our turn to present) the professor announced that we'd only be given 15 minutes (whereas other groups had presented for over an hour). As I showed our slide with our list of what our presentation would include (our "road map" or table of contents), she told us that we should skip basically everything that I was going to present, moving right along to Rosario's part.

I skipped all of the precious slides that I had so carefully created and rehearsed in my mind until I arrived to the ones pertaining to the topic she requested. She then proceeded to talk over me, using more and more of our precious 15 minutes.

Furthermore, she insulted me-- right in front of all of my classmates. It was like a slap in the face; I couldn't believe it. This got me flustered, and I said, "Now you've made me nervous!" Everyone laughed, but I wasn't trying to be funny. She had made a personal attack in a public environment; I didn't find it humorous at all.

Then, she interrupted me once again, saying: "If you're nervous, why don't you just speak in English?"

This was another insult. Was she doubting my capabilities as well? Perhaps I was a little harsh, but I instantly snapped, "No" at her. I had done all the work in Spanish, and it was her who had thrown me off course-- not a language barrier.

I continued as fast as I could, skipping more and more slides to get to the point where my other group members could present. I ended abruptly, skipping my last several slides and announcing that Rosario would then begin with her part. I then proceeded to sit down.

In front of everyone, she told me, "If you want to work with victims, you'll need to learn to manage stress. You'll never be able to handle it." Excuse me???! I was incredibly ticked off. What did she know about me? What gave her the right to say this in front of everyone else? This was personal insult #3.

I felt like saying, "If you want to work with victims, you'll need to learn something called respect and something called tact-- or maybe even something called empathy." However, I just told her "thank you" and filled my mind with more negative thoughts than I probably should have allowed.

I have pondered sending her an email with all due respect, explaining what I feel about her actions and how they affected me. However, I think she'll probably just brush it off by saying it was all just a "cultural misunderstanding." Part of this could be true, but I think that a lot of what she said/did would be considered rude in any culture.

And, in case you were wondering, she gave us a rare and impressive 100% on the project. Perhaps she just enjoys intimidating her students??? I, for one, was not amused.